


The Silence of The Sound

by OrionSykes



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Child Abuse, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi, Psychological Thriller
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-04-05 23:30:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4199175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrionSykes/pseuds/OrionSykes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Asano Gakushuu was only eleven, when his mother had tried to kill herself by lighting the gas. And fourteen when he had seen the knife, on his own mother’s wrists. He knew, that his father had passed away, leaving both of them alone. He had spent his days running back as fast as he could to his home, to make sure his mother hadn't hurt herself. It was an unchanging, stagnant fear.</p><p> What will he do when his mother had fell in love with a foreigner and decided to marry him? When for the very first time in seven years that his mother smiled, was the very start of his own demise?</p><p>A tragedy in Fushimi. A new home in London.<br/>A new brother. A new father. A new place.<br/>There his torturous nights, began.<br/>Under the hands of the man, Reuben Ackman,<br/>He learnt to be a murderer.</p><p> The story mainly follows Asano Gakushuu and Akabane Karma as the main protagonists. The pairing stat and order in story is - Karma x Female! Nagisa, Asano x Karma</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING!
> 
> Please do not read if violence and sexual abuse to children disturbs you. This will include very sensitive scenes in the next chapters and beware, this is not the lighter romance you are looking for. It is loosely inspired by many things with slight renditions and of taste. I took this theme because of personal reasons. Once again, you have been warned!  
> The main characters are Asano Gakushuu and Karma Akabane, which the latter will appear in later chapter, heavily. There will be depictions of Karma and Nagisa as a pairing, however not central to the story.

“Mom! Wake up!” there the sound fell on deaf ears. The reek of gas in the air, she had poisoned herself in. The eleven year old boy, had just came home from school. And he found his mother sprawled unconscious on the living room, the house was just a flicker short to a fire. But, she was still breathing.

“Asano.”

The roan haired boy, snapped back. This wasn’t the past, he is in fact fiveteen, with a mother alive and well. Today’s setting wasn’t the mortuary, but the wood scented, conventional, Japanese classroom. “Yes, teacher?” he replied in question. “Finish the problem on the board.”

There was a heaven in school that he could not explain. That he could be the best among the best, the king of all that can be done well. He was described as a helping, caring boy, who was confident in what he do as he does them well. It lifted him from the things he couldn’t have helped himself from. The favor of everyone else, might as well be by his side.

Except perhaps, god himself.

It was fresh like yesterday, how humanity’s finest form of perfection, or so in his eyes, his father, had passed away. It was a car accident, a very pitiful one. It was a truck, that had slammed headfirst to the vehicle. And the rest of it, like the doctors said, was beyond help. Asano Gakuhou, was a kind man. A true teacher, a father, a best friend. A man who gave everything for his family and education. When God decided to take his father back, he was ten. Why did he took his father of all people, he often pondered upon. But no answers was given, for him, god was deaf.

Eleven was the age where he feared all the times he had left home and all the times he hadn’t gone out. Like the time his mother would prick herself with needles. His mother had apologized to him, multiple of times. As many as the attempts she did on herself. “I don’t know, it just bled.”  she had said, her wrists are slit, five in total. A red, bloody mess. Yet, he couldn’t help but worry. And he would rush home, every single time. Just so he had to make sure, that his mother is alright. Because truly, he felt, he had no one else. And he wouldn’t let go. Like today, he would gladly ran all the way home. In tattered breaths, worth the relief.

He was greeted by his mother; Asano Aki, a beautiful woman with a graceful smile, a kindred soul with a meek, fragile heart. She would be the kind to dote kindly on his son, anger was never in her kind to do so. And thus, the boy had loved his mother, very much. She was mentally unstable, since her husband had deceased. Finding herself in trances and dangers she has put herself in, her delusions and broken reality. But she kept a beautiful boutique; she had build with her husband as a side business. The happy days where his husband would teach and she would knit garments to sheer perfection. Now, it was no smile, according to her son. It was always an empty expression, close, but never a smile. She had kept a memento of her husband, a sakura ornamented tsuba she held dearly. She had it displayed in the stall of her small boutique, where she would look at it longingly. And it was a painful, yet beautiful reminder, that they were both, once happy together. One day, a man entered the shop with one intention; her deceased husband’s memento.

Gakushuu was there, helping his mother tend to the gowns she had sewed. And he heard the conversation. “This is a beautiful boutique.” the tall man, a foreigner had complimented. “Thank you, very much.”  her cheeks was rosy. The boy’s eyes lit, he had never seen that expression, in a very long time. The man was definitely wealthy, his clothes were well tailored, and his manner of speaking very languid. He was a British man, that spoke Japanese with a blank slate accent. Nearly perfect. His features were ruddy, handsome, and well groomed. The mannerism of a gentleman, by the way he engaged with the shopkeeper. A tourist, perhaps?

The conversation was around blouses he would have brought back for his relatives back in London. But his expression changed when he saw the cherry blossom memento displayed in the glass case of the store. He had offered quite a sum for the antique “I want to see the tsuba katana. How much?” He had asked. “There are many to choose from.” replied the woman, as she drew out the case. “No, not these. I wanted that one.” he pointed to that memento. She stood still for a moment, then politely declined with a smile, “It’s not for sale, I am afraid.” The man had a disgruntled expression, “Let me talk to the manager.” The woman looked down as she withdrew the case, “It is very precious to me, you see.” He then proceeded to offer very handsome amounts of money, but the widow wouldn’t take no matter how high it was. “It has to be that cherry blossom tsuba!!” he insisted in a raised tone. “Mister, that’s enough.” Gakushuu interrupted. He lowered his tone and started to let his money do the talking, but after no avail, the man finally stormed out of the shop, his face crossed, and terribly disappointed. The boy looked at his mother’s saddened face. It seems that she had taken quite a liking to that stranger. It was unfair how he acted, the boy with fist clenched. He felt an urge to do something, and he ran after the man.

“Mister!” the boy called, the man was several feet away from the store. The man looked back and was surprised to see the boy tailing at him. “What is it?” he asked, hiding his bitter tone to the perhaps unknowing child. “Why do you want the tsuba so much, mister?” the boy asked. But the man didn’t answer, he simply shook his head. The boy felt compelled to explain, because for him, it was rather unfair. “It was important to her, could you pick another one instead?” he asked the man. “Do you know her?” the man asked him back. “I am her son.” he answered. “You know, the tsuba is created in a set of a pair, mine only has one.” he added. “Mister, what would you do If my mother wanted to buy it from you?” the boy asked. “I wouldn’t sell it to anyone.” he replied. “My mother, also felt the same. Because that was a memento from my father.” the boy said. And the man narrowed his eyes. “I am very sorry for that. Would you walk me back to the store?” the light haired man asked. The boy blinked in surprise, it worked.

With a nod and a short walk, they were back in the shop. The woman was very surprised to see him back here. “Lady, I am very sorry, I didn’t knew. And it was rude of me to act that way. I didn’t knew it was a memento of your belated husband. I apologize for my stubbornness.” he uttered his regrets. Both the mother and son was wide eyed in disbelief, he was a man of good intentions, after all. “The reason why I wanted this piece very badly, was that because..” the man had pulled out a tiny case as he spoke. “This tsuba was the pairing set to the cherry blossom set that my belated wife Amelia, once gave me.”

* * *

 

That night, little Gakushuu ate dinner alone, but he was glad. The nice man, had invited his mom for dinner. And it was a change of pace for his mother, who has been lonely for too long.  He was glad, that after seven years long, her mother’s cheeks was once again, the color of primrose. It was a quick, sudden change of heart in the man. And his little chest puffed up in pride when he remembered how he ran after the man and made his mother happy.

It was just a week and the man had been invited to lunch frequently in their household. She often had left, sightseeing with the man. How quickly things change, the little boy had thought. When two months had come by, he dared himself to ask his mother though reluctantly, “Are you planning on marrying him?” It surprised his mother, but she had given instead, a pessimistic answer. “A modest boutique owner and a rich merchant from England? I can’t dream of something so extravagant. I am an adult, after all.” she replied with a smile, a rather sorrowful smile. That night, the boy went up to his bed and wondered what will happen of his mother and that man. He was a nice man who bought gifts, very wealthy, and well educated. A tailored  suit Ermegildo Zegna and a degree from Oxford, was beyond what his mother could realistically find in her age nor place. “It was his last night here, in Japan, after all.” the boy muttered, before he had fallen asleep.

But the next evening all together, was a whole different story.

"Gakushuu, I am getting married." the news fell like a jawdrop in the next evening. He can't believe how the man hadproposed to her. "When I had wanted to give that tsuba as a parting gift... He proposed to me with a ring. Gakushuu,I can’t believe this. I am so happy.” she said with her lips trembling. The little boy felt like the world was a whirpool of color, swiftly changing hues of ephemeral colors. It was such a beautiful smile, which was closed with a warm embrace. “Mother, I am very happy for you.”

The boy walked slowly through the halls of the school. He was going to fetch his academic report alone, since his mother needed to take care fore certain arrangements for the wedding. The school interior was mostly made of wood, a simple school, that his father was once a teacher in. He inhaled the floral smell of summer, the sound of cicadas. If she married the foreigner, his mother would probably go abroad. Gakushuu clenched his fists. “I don’t need to go, right? Japan is the only home, I know.” he thought.  And when he had went home, he showed his splendid results as usual. First in the entire grade, was written there, his chest puffed highly. He gave it to his mother, who would reward him with a warm hug. And it was probably one of the best things he could study for. He loved his mother very much. And there was nothing in this world is allowed to make her unhappy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's gonna be very mind boggling.

“He has a son.” said his mother upon the kitchen, the next day. “Huh.” was the boy’s perplexed reaction. “Yes, he has a son two years older than you, Gakushuu. You two can be brothers!” the mother said enthusiastically. Gakushuu shrugged it off with a nod. He wasn’t going there, abroad, but he didn’t want to spoil his mother’s mood.  Though he did wonder what his “brother” would look like. “Gakushuu, I will be going off to meet some customers for their order. He is going to visit here.” said the mother. “Oh, Reuben?” asked Gakushuu, the name of the man she is engaged with. “Yeah, you two can get to know each other more.” The boy gulped. It’s not that he was a bad man, he seemed nice. But talking about family, as happy as he is because it made his mother happy. He wasn’t really sure what to think of it to be honest. It was all happening very fast.

“Gakushuu, it’s okay, he’s a very nice man.” said the mother, caressing his cheek. “I know that.” he mumbled. “Alright then, see you.” his mother bid goodbye. The little boy went and sat down in the dinner table,  picking up a fat copy of Charles Dicken’s Little Doritt. It was only a few pages until the door opened and there he was the man. “Hello there.” the greeted with a smile. “Hello, welcome, uncle. Oh  and mister, my mom is out to handle some customer orders.” the boy added, his eyes still glued to the pages.. “For the boutique? the man asked back. “Yeah, she often gets orders, especially dresses.” the boy proudly mentioned, his face still buried in the book. The man took pulled a chair and sat. “She is very talented with her delicate hands.  I find her works, her boutique in particular, very tasteful.” the man added in admiration. “That’s true.” the boy agreed, smiling. “Gakushuu, is it okay If I call you that?” ask the man. It startled him a bit, “Oh, well… Sure, we are going to be family right?” the boy answered. “Of course.” the man agreed happily. “Gakushuu, want to go for a ride around the city borders?” the man asked. The boy blinked. “Oh, sure thing.” It must be that he wanted to talk about preparations for the wedding or family, he thought. The boy observed the man, Reuben Ackman as he walked to his vehicle. He had a rather blond faded to white, hair. He is well built, perhaps a sportsman in his younger ages, with orbs or piercing ice blue. He had a somewhat charismatic, yet intimidating aura.

“Nice ride.” the boy commented on the vehicle. “Oh, it was just rented. Take the front seat, nevertheless.” the man said. The car began to speed, the scenery passing by. They didn’t spoke much at the few first minutes. Though later, the conversation developed into a series of questions, more on the man asking about the boy in general. It was a pleasant conversation, the man certainly knew how to make the words.  Soon enough, Gakushuu felt comfortable enough to tell him about school, his favorite hobbies to the many things he found interesting. “You play soccer?” the man was surprised. “Yes! I play in the school team,, every now and then.” the boy answered enthusiastically. “How good is your team?” asked the man. “It’s hard to be modest, but I think it’s the best in the region.” the boy answered with a smile, proud of being a part of his team. “Why do you think so?” The boy tilted his head, wondering how to answer that. “Well, to be honest. We never lost.” the boy answered bluntly. The man let his laughter free, to the boy’s bewilderment. “Amazing, I am quite bad at soccer. I am more of a rugby person. Are you playing… What do they call in Japanese as the attacker, well, striker?” asked the man. “How did you know?” Gakushuu blinked. “Oh it’s easy. You have a very competitive personality, I can almost bet that you are the school team’s captain. And you are very confident of your team, as you are your abilities.” the man answered. The boy smiled, because the man seemed to read his mind. “That’s all correct.”

The car rode off the borders and into the vast plains of the countryside, the lushness of the greenery with the sunlit earth. It was very close to the Fushimi shrines as the red pillars stood majestically, the sun glistening in the red. “What a beautiful scenery.” the man muttered. And suddenly the car pulled off to the side. “The sunset is beautiful, Gakushuu.” said the man. “It is.” the boy agreed. The man turned to the boy and he laid his palm on his cheeks, causing his eyes to dart up at the man. “I wonder what happened to your father, Gakushuu.” he asked the boy in a concerned voice.  Mom didn’t told him? Was his thought. The boy shifted slightly, uncomfortable by the gesture, but continued. “He died in a truck accident, after he went home from his student’s graduation ceremony. It was during my tenth birthday..” the boy replied, his tone rather morose. “That’s very sad.” the man pulled back his hand. “We sometimes yearn back for the dead that will never come back.” he said. “I do wish that only sometimes, the irreplaceable can be replaced.”

It was an odd statement, the boy had thought, but dismissed it. “I wonder how your father looked like.” the man said, his hands gently tugging a clump, strands of his hair. “Oh, it was brown haired, rather chestnut in color, he had violet eyes.” the boy answered, surprised by the contact. “Beautiful. You had roan hair like your parents. It’s very soft. And what a neckline.” the man commented, his hand ruffling gently. For Gakushuu, it was like a fatherly gesture where his father would. But it had made his somewhat uncomfortable, especially the latter statement, when the man's fingers traced to his jawline. “I like your violet eyes, mesmerizing thing. Your skin is very smooth.” the man commented, his palm slid down, cupped his cheek. Gakushuu’s pupils darted back to the hand on his cheeks, when he had looked up, a man’s lips has ended up on his. “I love you, Gakushuu.”

His orbs, dilated eyes, yet he froze. And he could feel the man’s tongue swiping through his orifice, until the boy had finally took back his senses, he jerked away from the man. “You can’t! You love my mother!” But his wrists were locked by the man. Now they were face to face. “Yes, but I love you two.” The boy’s horrified expression, the man’s predatory gaze. “If this is a joke, this is not funny.” the boy exclaimed, his tone was mixture of confusion and disbelief. “I love Aki, but I also love you.” the man replied, his lips forcefully rammed into the boys. Gakushuu yanked and struggled away, but the man was persistent. Disgusted at this, his struggles grew frantic. The boy finally broke free from his grip, flung the car door open. Another forceful jerk and his other wrists was free, his body flung into the pavement of the road. Luckily, he rolled onto a patch of grass, met with a bush. The side of the road extended to a forestry below, that he rolled a several good meters, before he landed to the woods. It was a very lucky escape. And he ran, ran and ran like he never did before. Never looking back, ran, ran right back to his home. He disappeared at the corners of the eyes, the man's orbs was unreadable, but it was definite that he was not pleased at all.

 

* * *

 

 When he had arrived home, the first thing he did was a thorough scrub. Every inch, every surface. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting. The man’s lips, his arms snaking down, somewhere. His neck, he had became aware of it. His lips, he never knew it was to pay attention off. His skin, he never had noticed the texture. Yet now he noticed, everything, every inch of it. He felt, dirty, vile,  disgusting. Clean it off, scrub it off. No matter how many times he scrubbed his face, his hands, his chest, his neck. He had became aware of it. No matter how scorching hot the water, it wouldn't come off. The feeling of becoming filthy. It was the most repulsive thing he had ever been though. And his mind darted back to his friend’s comments at school; “Sometimes, they said a man with even beautiful wife and kids, would even sometimes hire male whores for a kick.” Unbelievable. Could it be that this is what they had meant, his chest thudded. What was he to him? A joke? What is it? He is confused, with what was happening. But the man had loved his mother, now why did he do this with him? That this vile man, had treated him like this. Why? Confusion flew through his mind as he dried himself, his eyes darted in repulsion as he dressed himself. Why did he do that? Why would he kiss him? He didn’t knew what to think of this. But all he knew is that this man, was no good.

No good at all.

As he descended from the flight of stair, opened the doorbell to the pouring rain. It shocked him when he saw his mother, her dress slightly tattered in the edges, her hair was a mess, her face more so. Despair written all over her expression, her hands clumped to her dress, heavily soaked from the rain. She fell knee first, her hands covering her face. “Mom!” the boy jumped to get his mom into the living room. Her face was pale, her entire body was weak. “Reuben.. He broke off our marriage. He said… H-he said on the phone, that he couldn’t do it… And he is going back to England tomorrow, without me.” the woman said, her tears fell as she sobbed. “Why? Why is this happening to me?” the woman cried in despair. The news was a great shock, even to Gakushuu. “Mom!” the boy shook his mother’s shoulders, facing it to his direction until both their eyes met. “He is not what you think! I met him today. And he is awful. He doesn’t love you, mom!” the words fell into disbelieving ears. The woman looked at the boy, her eyes unblinking. “You met him and you..? What did you say to him? Why did you have to say such things to such a good man? Now he is gone.. I..” the woman’s words turned incomprehensible. The voice wasn't angry at him, but it was in broken sentences. It was despair. The boy held his mother in his arms, the words in his throat stuck. He could never tell his vulnerable mother, whatever that man did to him today. Even he didn’t knew what the man’s intentions were, it was all so wrong. But not when his mother is like this, he couldn't pray tell. “It’s okay mom. It’s okay..” he calmed her, the woman sobbed even more.  “It can’t be. It was perfect and now he.. No! No! No!” the woman was in great denial, her hands gripping the boy’s shirt in painful anguish. "Everyone I love leaves me! Why...? Why..?" the question was rhetorical, yet it fell. It carved something in the boy's heart. He closed his eyes and painfully lid back the things that were to pour out. He had started to curse his existence.

* * *

 

The night fell into deafening silence, the room was a chill as the moon’s blue settled to his room. Gakushuu twisted and turned in his sheets, for he can hear the small steps of his mother outside his bedroom. His mother’s steps, the clinging sound of liquor bottles, the sound of the stirring glass, falling chairs, and open refrigerators. His mom after long, long years, she had finally drank again.  The man’s images came back to his mind, causing him to shut his eyes, shook his head in denial. His hands on the side of his ears, yet it couldn’t drown the sound of the man’s toxic whispers, the clanging sound of liquor, the despair in every, in all of it, that had happened today. It wouldn’t go away. The boy rosed from laying down, punching his pillow, his teeth gritted as he do so. He felt filthy and discarded.Though futile, punching an inanimate object, a habit he had, whenever his emotions was a wreck beyond control. Projecting his anger as his tears were streaming down his face. And all of the sudden, the room was silent. The penetrating silence felt whole throughout the house, the boy’s movements grew still; the sound of glass, liquor, of chairs, of steps was none. Perhaps, his mother had fell asleep after drinking, he had thought. His mind pulled back and he was reminded of his father. His smile, his gaze that morning before he died. "Take care of your mother, alright." To the clock he saw it was three in the morning. His father's words was a kind reminder. He should check on his mother, he thought.

When he had opened the door, there was a putrid stench in the air. The smell of gas. The boy was in an electrified shock when he saw his mother, sprawled on the floor, unconscious near the open gas stove. “MOM!” his voice was a panic as he shook his mom, but she wouldn’t wake up. The boy tried to close the stove gas, only to realize that the gas had already leaked so much that it nearly ran out. “MOM! WAKE UP!” his voice in fear as he dragged his mother to the door. After he had opened the door and laid his mother by the entrance, renewing the toxic circulation in the air, he headed for the phone. His number dialed a familiar number of his mother’s. “Doctor Kimura! This is Gakushuu! Please help! My mom fainted from gas poisoning! Help me! She is not waking up!” Tears fell down from his cheeks, he was rendered breathless. This cannot be happening. 

* * *

 

The little boy cried and cried in the waiting room. The walls of white and blinding neon lights reminded him of when he was eleven, the first time his mother attempted suicide using a gas stove. It was also the first time she had drank after his father’s death. His grips clenched till it had bled, in regret, in fear. Of why he hadn’t noticed it sooner, why he had left her alone to contend with her anguish. Why? Why was he so busy with his own despair, he had not think that, her mother was at her lowest points. And he had left her alone! With his thought he wrestled, his thoughts reverberated.

“I shouldn’t have said such things to her.She had been suffering for seven years.”

“Did I just dismissed her only source of happiness like that?”

“Should I be opposed of this marriage? Or am I just, selfish?”

“What If she died…? What if she tried to kill herself again?"

"What do I do..? I will take a break from school..."

"I will even quit school! But she wouldn't want that..."

"I’ll do anything If she doesn’t hurt herself.”

“Anything.”

Then something resurfaced from inside of him.

**“Now, you are paying the price of it, with your mother in the hospital.”**

**“And what if your mother died, Gakushuu?”**

**“Then it will be all your fault!!!”**

“Gakushuu.” the doctor called as he came out of the room, snapping himself from the mind that nearly strangled him. The boy stood to his feet and ran to the room, “Doctor! Please tell me!” he was desperate. “Your mother is alright. It was from alcohol poisoning. She fainted before inhaling much of the gas, so she was alright. We had pumped the alcohol from her stomach.” the doctor explained, his hand on Gakushuu’s shoulders. “It’s alright.”  The boy’s tears were streaming, he ran to his mother, though weakened, had opened her eyes. “Gakushuu.” the woman called his name. “Mom! Mom! I am so glad you’re okay! Please, don’t leave me!” the boy cried as his face buried in the sheets in his mother’s hospital bed. The mother put his hands on his son’s head, caressed them gently. Then her hands fell to the side, it was cold. The boy’s eyes flew open in horror. "MOM! MOM!" he screamed. “It’s okay Gakushuu, normally she should have woken up tomorrow morning instead.” the doctor reassured him. "Her chest is till breathing see? Don't worry so much, little one. I have a patient, just a call nurse if something happens. She is in a stable condition now." The doctor decided to leave the two, “Just take care.”

After hours of staying with his concerned eyes constantly fixated to his mother’s sleeping figure, the boy went out from the room to fetch a meal for himself. It was half past twelve. A figure trotted from the hall, a familiar doctor approached him, brought a can of coffee and a milk carton with him. “Hey, Gakushuu.” the doctor greeted him. “Doctor Kimura… You are still here?” the boy asked, his eyes was had rings under them, underslept. “Yes, your mother is my best friend, so I wish I can watch her a bit longer.” the man said. “Here, a milk carton.” the man threw it to the boy, who caught it  with his left hand. “I won’t prod in, but something happened?” the doctor asked, sipping his coffee. The boy was silent. “It must be about the engagement?” the doctor was spot on, surprising Gakushuu. He was wondering how to answer this answer, he cannot tell what is really happening. “Yeah, a conflict of sorts.” the boy replied vaguely. The doctor shrugged as he threw his swiftly gulped can to the trash bin. “Your mother will get better If she meets her fiancé. She kept calling his name, Reuben was it? People heal faster when they are with the ones they cherished, after all.” the man exclaimed. “Why? Why does she need him?” the boy exclaimed in anger, but his eyebrows narrowed. The man gave him a concerned look. “I am sorry… It was selfish of me.” the boy apologized, his head buried under his hands. “Gakushuu, things are hard when new people enter our lives. And I am sure you can be strong, in fact, you two might get along. When we are adults, things are exponentially more complicated. And some things, like fights, aren’t just fights. Beneath it are so much more. And we can’t take things at default value. You are a smart boy, I am sure you understood what I meant.” the doctor added. “Yeah.” the boy murmured, his face still buried in his hands. “Doctor Kimura, there is a new patient in the ER.” a nurse called from the other side of the hall. “Alright.” the man neatened his coat as he strode off in hurry. “See you tomorrow, Gakushuu.” the man said goodbye. “Bye.” the boy managed a small sound. He didn't want the doctor to go. He was terrified, because he had to contend with his own mind. It wouldn't stop, no matter how hard he tried to distract himself.

**“Gakushuu, remember three years ago? Your mom got a fiancé but he didn’t want you at all, right? Then she had to broke off with him, because of you!!”**

“Yes, because she loved me more than that man! She is a good mother!”

**“Again and again, about you.”**

**“Remember what happened after that? She tried to slit her wrists!”**

**“You also fought with one of her previous boyfriends! You even bring him to the police!”**

“He was abusing her!”

**“And are you sure that your intentions pure? Or you just want her for yourself?”**

**“And didn’t you always act mean to her every time she talked about someone?”**

“No! It’s because I think they are bad! I didn’t even do that with Reuben!”

**“But you even broke off their engagement, again.”**

“He was a bad man for her!”

**“Or do you mean, he was a bad man, for you?”**

“No, it’s not about me!”

**“Think again, it was always about you. He is bad as a father. He is just not good. Bad to you. Bad for you. Again, you. Always, you. ”**

"That's not true!"

**“You’re just selfish. And one day, she might really die because of you.**

“That’s not true! I know what is good for her!”

**“Then If you know what is good for her. All these years she had tried to kill herself, right?”**

**“Was that good?”**

“I believe in my judgement!”

**“Well, your judgement had bring her misery. When she truly dies, Gakushuu.”**

**“And it would be all your fault!”**

The boy slid from the hospital wall, down to his knees on the floor. His ears covered by his hands, trembling. “Someone, help me. Help me. Please, help me.” the boy cringed in his harboring toil of mind. “Why do I, by simply existing, made her suffer?” was the thought that kept ringing in his mind. The boy shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. And his eyes had laid on the hospital telephone. “I should call him.” he said to himself. “And there was nothing else in his mind, he took the phone to his ear. His hands pressing the number, exactly how his memory remembered every number he laid his eyes on. At this times, he cursed at his ability to remember this, that he would be free of this obligation, If he had forgotten the number. He had mustered his courage, and it was the time for revelation.

“Hello, Reuben Ackman speaking.” the other line answered and he cursed internally.

“Reuben, this is Gakushuu. I am really sorry to call this late.” the boy’s voice somewhat shivered.

“Gakushuu?” the man’s voice bewildered.

“Look, Reuben. My mom is at the hospital.” he broke the news.

“Why? What happened?! Please tell me!” the voice was worried.

“Yesterday, she tried to kill herself. And now, she is unconscious.” the boy informed in regret.

“Suicide?! Why? How could that happen..?” the man grew even more panicked.

“Why should I be lying? She is now stable.” the boy reassured him.

“Why? How could this happen?” the man was bewildered.

“I want you to come here and visit her, Reuben.”

“Why? Why did she kill herself?” he asked in worry.

“ _Are you insane?!_ This is all your fault and you want to ask me why?! You broke off the engagement and went off, just like that! You! It’s all your fault”

“But why? Why would she, because of me?” his voice stammered. The other line went silent under contemplation. “Well… It wasn’t half your fault… Actually I am sorry, I got a bit emotional... I just wanted you too see her again, so she could feel better.” the boy lowered the tone of his voice. He must remember that he wanted to ask a favor. 

“I don’t know Gakushuu. I can’t. You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” the man asked.

 “I-I’m not mad, Reuben.” the boy held his hands to his lips.

“Are you sure? After what I did?” the man asked, in a honest tone.

“Reuben, let’s just forget about it. Pretend it never happened. Please just visit her.” the boy said, amidst his opposing feelings. “I want you two to get together again.”

“Do you think I could fix your views on me? So you could grow to like me again?” the man asked.

“Of course… That was a mistake, right? As long… As long as you make up with my mother it would be alright again. She called your names so many times in the hospital bed, don’t you know that?” the boy was frantic.

“Yes.. I love her. I shouldn’t have done that. The second I arrive there, I would propose to her again. I am very sorry, Gakushuu.” the man said apologetically. The boy heaved his chest in relief.

“That’s… That’t alright. Then, it’s at Tokura hospital, just a left turn from the nearest border. I will see you tomorrow the-“

“Gakushuu.” the man interrupted. “Yes? What is it?” the boy was anxious.

“Tell me Gakushuu, what will  you do?" the voice was stern. “What do you mean, ‘do,’ Reuben?”

“Will you go to Fushimi with me again?” the boy froze at the statement. “What?” it was disbelief. “I told you didn’t I? That I love you.” the man’s voice was cold. “Are you kidding me! Are you insane!” the boy was angered. “Just this once, to Fushimi. Make you mine, for one last time.” the man said. “I can’t! I can’t do it Reuben! Are you crazy? It’s impossible!” the boy was terrified. The other line went silent for a while. “I see. What a shame, Gakushuu. Tell her my flight is this morning. Give my regards to Aki, I said goodb-“ The boy's thoughts processed rapidly as seconds flew by. This cannot be, this shrewd bastard. But his mother was still lying in her hospital bed. At this moment, what choice did he had.

“Wait!” the boy's desperate plea made the other line silent.“What do you want to do in Fushimi, exactly…” the boy contemplated at his decision, hoping it was a misunderstanding. “I want to hold you, again.” the man explained. A chill ran down the boy’s spine. “You mean.. You mean having sex with you..?” the boy shuddered at the statement.

“But there is no way you can do it, right? With me, Gakushuu?” the man laid his final ultimatum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you and drop comments If you want to!
> 
> Oh my gosh, my sister called him Reuben Reuben and I just lost it. She hates his guts.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being late! I can only type with my phone for now! Ill try my best.

“Reuben!” the light haired woman rose from her bed, though too weak to stand. “Aki!” the other man ran and gave a full embrace. The mood of the hospital room lifted almost immediately. “I apologize for leaving you, Aki.” the man said. The boy watched from the side as the two was reunited; joyful tears, glad smiles, and of warmly embrace. His mother’s dim face seemed to have lifted by the instant he saw him and now her face was glowing. It was bright and almost painful to see for him.  Somehow below his heart, the boy felt a pounding sensation. Guilt.

"Thank you Gakushuu... Thank you so much for bringing him back." His mother's words of gratitude took him aback, he forced himself to return the smile. The boy's expression was well concealed, from all the years reassuring his mother, it had almost seemed genuine even to the trained eye.  Deep down, he wished that he hadn't brought him back.  He looked at the man that will soon be his father. The man that was embracing his mother, his body language was so languid, genuine that if it was just an act, everyone he had loved might as well be condemned. The boy tried to dull his senses, to somehow evade it, the scene. Those dirty hands touching his mother, the boy thought as he narrowed his eyes. The more and more he pictured them as a family, nausea crept up his stomach, and he felt like vomitting."Gakushuu? Are you alright?" his mother asked, seeing his pale face. Gakushuu snapped out from his train of thought, blinking. "I'm alright, I  didn't ate at all since last night. That's all." he reassured her, the brilliant liar he was.  "Oh, don't forget to eat later. Perhaps Reuben can bring you out for some breakfast?" she suggested. It was like the world was whirling under his feet when he had heard it. The boy opened his mouth to decline but the man took the opportunity instead, "Sure, I'll take him out for breakfast. The doctor said you'll have to rest first, after all."  The boy's fist clenched as he lifted his chin with a nearly contorted, semi-approving smile. "All right, then." 

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not doing this for you." the boy snarled at the man as they entered the vehicle. The man's face was emotionless as they rode off to the distance, the statement was left alone. "Gakushuu, do you still like me? " questioned the man suddenly as he manuevered the stirring wheel. Gakushuu's eyes widened at the audacity of the man. After all this, he dared to ask such a question, the boy thought. He was itched to give a stern no, only to be reminded that he was the one asking a favor. "I don't think so." he answered reluctantly. " the man heaved a sigh, as if it was the most unnatural thing. It ticked off the boy. "We are not going for just breakfast, are we?" the boy gave out his obvious suspicion. The man gave an ambiguous smile. "Smart boy." The man answered, his face unreadable. Gakushuu ignored the man and lapsed back to his mind. It felt like an awfully long ride, the air humid, and the color of the sky a gloom. Was the morning sky this depressing before? The boy gripped his seatbelt, his grip tightened more as he gritted his teeth. It was fear. This feeling of apprehension gripping him; he does not want to know what awaits for him.

A near half hour ride, the vehicle stopped at at a small coffee shop where the man pulled over by the side. As they entered, the scent of breakfast permeated in the air. “Do you like western breakfast?” asked the man. “I’m not hungry.” the boy replied, complying with his tongue that felt equally sore.“Then you want to go straight to business?” the man offered. The boy looked up to him, an unwavering expression. “I don’t do cheap things like stalling for time.” the boy answered sharply. The man was surprised at the straightforward answer and chuckled slightly. “Well, take something on the menu. Because I don’t want to go on an empty stomach.” the man replied. He proceeded ordering Egg’s Ben and several platters of pastry The boy ordered banana cake with espresso. Both of them took a seat at the farthest edge and settled with each other’s meal. “You’re pretty young to be living on black.” the man commented. “Have to.” the boy answered, but regretting giving an open answer. “Why, studying?” the man asked, forking his pastry. “Mostly that, and I have part time.” the boy answered reluctantly. “Well, you don’t have to anymore.” the man answered. “Thanks, I guess.” he managed to tone down his sarcasm. By the end of the meal, the boy wiped his mouth, and prepared himself. “Let’s go.” the man signaled.

It was only a short ride until they stopped at a small house at a residence, unlike the usual homes with open roads, only goes to show the man’s wealth. “I bought this house with my wife Amelia.” the man explained. “It still doesn’t explain how you speak nearly perfect Japanese.” the boy commented. “Amelia was her baptized name. She was born with the name Akabane Suzue.” the man said with a tint of grief in his face. The boy wondered how genuine it was. “We’re here.” 

It was a beautiful little house, a front yard decorated by a modest bonsai yard. As they entered, they were greeted by the earthy smell of coal and the coolness of the wood paneled house. “The room is straight to the hall and go right. You can take a shower first.“ the man suggested. The boy suddenly felt his steps waver, the streaks of wooden swirling. When he had made it to the room, he was overwhelmed with nausea. “Gakushuu.” the man called out his name as he entered, closing the curtains. The room was left dim with the small light by the counter, which the man placed a vial. The boy was sitting in the bed as he watched the man poured wine. “It can help you.” the man suggested, his hand a glass. “  The boy looked at him with contempt as he took it with one gulp. “Easy there.” the man said. He felt slightly dizzy and the warmth in his throat was equally unsettling. Perhaps, it was good for him to not be sober. 

“Gakushuu, do you love me?” the man asked so suddenly. Again, this question that he dreaded. The boy grew even more repulsed every time.  “Just… Finish it quickly.” the roan haired boy pressed his nails against each other, decided to ignore his question. He wasn’t exactly sure of what to do, or say at this kind of situation.  “Or is it just for your mother?” the man asked again. The boy’s fist clenched as he turned his head, both their eyes met. Contempt and dominance. “I hate you so much.” the boy answered bitterly. The man’s eyebrows lit as a grin came upon his face. “Really?” he challenged the boy, though he knew the obvious. Gakushuu averted his gaze, dulling his creeping venom.  “It’s not like I have a choice… And you are making me betray my mother.”  The man swirled the glass in his hand, took a sip, and laid the glass. “No, I love her too. This is none other than what they call one night’s bidding.” the man replied. “Then, why are you doing this?” the boy asked. “I am tired of these stupid questions. I could always go back to England If you want me to.” the man said. The boy’s face grew pale and his mother’s face repeated in his mind. “No! She just went out of the hospital!” the boy managed, holding back a stammering panic. He is controlling him and he knew it. “Then, If you don’t want me to go... Beg me for it.” the man said. His contorted smile, the mocking glare of dominance. “You will beg for your mother’s sake, right?” the man repeated. A pair of violet eyes flared before the statement.  “Now go on and beg.” The boy knew that he was being used. He knew, yet there was nothing he could do about it. “Please." He felt his throat was stabbed by needles. "Don’t go.”

“Louder, like you mean it.”

“Please.., Don’t go.”

“Say my name and say it like you mean it.”

He knew was digging his own grave.

“Reuben.. Please-”

"Louder."

"Reuben, please don't go!"

The boy felt like he was being toyed. This man that was about to swallow him whole, right before him. 

"Then I'll stay for you." the man said in utter satisfaction. His hands reached for the boy hungrily and into it they delved as their lips met. Eye meeting eye. Repulsion meeting lust. And the boy was strained under, still, unceasing horror. His entire body, completely frozen. The images of his mother flashed before his eyes. He knew, he knew he had sold himself. He had became this man's accomplice.

“Now, open up everything.”

There was no one to save him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was very hard for me to write, these scenes are heart wrenching.  
> Karma will appear a bit later, please be patient for his arrival.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter as a depiction of his true feelings.

By the time the man had finished, the boy was sprawled in the bed motionless. Blank eyes, an empty expression. It was an impending doom of one’s mind; that he had somehow conspired against himself with the man. The sheets barely covering his body, the creeping chill. What covered the slight marks here and there, the feeling of blatant exposure. Swollen lips, strap marks, and a blood stained from the edge of his lips. The red tints decorated the white sheets above his thighs, where the boy lay still. Awfully still.  The dim lighting of the room, the sickening scent of the man, and the unsettling mist that fell outside. The weather, as it grew abruptly cold. The boy had laid there, depleted of dignity. There was nothing left of the struggle that the man could savor from. “Take your time to get dressed. There is a shower with hot water right in the other room.” the man said, as he was done with his. The boy just laid there, still, motionless. The crumpled sheets, the wooden linings all blended  in bleak fading colors, like a gaussian blur. Sprawled, messy, left alone –used. Like a prostitute.

_“I love you Gakushuu.”_

Pulverizing words, slowly slicing him apart. That was not the love he knew. No. It was contorted, twisted, condemnable. It was simply the lust to corrupt, destroy the scattered meanders of fresh. Corrupting the flowing youth to the vile and wicked. Yet, he felt that was just like this man. The person the man, no. He. The woman he had betrayed was none other than his own mother. The boy chuckled, his hands covering his eyes, as if he had seen too much of the world, drowning in the satiric loop he is swept into. The irony of his righteousness convoluted in the condemnation he is currently participating. “What have you done, Gakushuu?” he asked himself, whispered broken. His fingers closed and traced below his eyes. The wavering dim light should have been darkness. He didn't want to see himself. But now, it seems like, he couldn't look back at his own reflection.

It was noon by the time they went back. Just as they entered, the two engaged women and man intertwined in a loving embrace. A picture perfect couple. A loving two of a family. And he was not in the picture. As if nothing ever happened. As if the boy was never there at all. That they had never went to Fushimi. Why? Why was he feeling so irritated, the boy questioned himself. It all happened like a flash, yet the happening itself was excruciatingly slow.  His eyes slightly glassy, the scenery of his mother in that man’s arms felt miles away. It was flowing, yet distant. Why can’t he see himself in that picture anymore? He had felt dark, tiny, miniscule, powerless, dim. As he watched his mother whispered sweet nothings to the man, sharing—What? What is it that he had lost the right to share again? Why should a traitor smile again? The boy drooped his head, the world seemingly swirled. Why does her smile felt so distant? As if his fingers could never touch, but could only pilfer the warmth. Why?

Because he was dirty.

He strode through the stairs, tumbled, propping himself as he carried on, and dashed to his room. Seeing his own mother had never been this painful. Not even those days when she nearly killed herself. The man had told his mother that he was in a rather foul mood, which he was. And to which he was grateful to be left alone.  And it was much more horrifying than those days, when he thought his mother would succeed in her grand pitfall, the suicide. Because it was much more terrifying to see yourself die inside, to her, to yourself.

“I’m dying.”

And long, long bath was all he thought he needed. To scrub away all the nonsense, the filth. This scent, the sickening smell of the man. His hideous trails of perspiration, that had gone. Yet, it still permeated in his nostrils, that it wouldn’t wash away. And why was his heart so blank that he rather felt something, than nothing at all? A sting. As a razor cut his skin, the brink of his palm. It was pain. As If the pain was flowing out of his veins. It was all too sudden, lost control. His eyes unblinking. When did he held the razor at the first place. Maybe, he intentionally lost all control.

“I don’t know Gakushuu. It just bled.” her mother’s voice four years ago resonated in his mind, echoing endlessly. The red trickling down his palm was as real as it gets. If he does this, he will never stop. He knew, he knew. But he continued, carving laggardly in his mind. What he could not get out. What malice words could not picture, onto his vein, his hands. By the time he finished, the bottom of the sink was piling red, washed-off crimson. He stopped, he threw the razor as it flew across the bathroom floor.

“What am I doing?” When he looked up, his reflection was staring right back at him; the same locks of strawberry roan, violet eyes, of ruddy pale features. But he didn’t recognize who he was. “Who am I?” He felt himself spiraling down to insanity. Where he looked back at his bleeding palm, seeping blood. There was no panic, it was only blackness. And it dawned to him--

“Is this what mother felt this entire time?”

The boy finally understood. That this is as far as it gets. And the horror of it, the more that he realized the pain that his mother had carried all along. A punctured heart, splintered, with the numbness of being bludgeoned by a very, very blunt ob–why? Why was he thinking of this? Why are the images in his mind grew unceasingly violent? This trifling blindness. Why is he slitting his own palm? The vast endless things that went through his mind, yet he could not understood it. That sinister sound in sinking bottom of his heart, it’s language, he had not understood yet.

The pain was obsolete. He continued scrubbing, scrubbing away the filth, the sensation of disgust. The man’s lips on his, the throbbing pain between his thighs, the marks on his abdomen. Why? Why wouldn’t it wash away? The heat slowly cooking his skin. Scorched by water, the merciless scrubbing. Yet, the pain was obsolete. The reflection in the mirror never looked the same anymore. He pictured himself, his mother. But it can never be again, two people in together, in one piece. Whole. A whole family no more. It was gone, where? Where has it gone? He can no longer recognize the voice--

**_“LOOK AT ME!! This is the body I used to betray you. Look, mother. I am no longer the son you gave birth to. I am filthy, look at me, closely. Look at me! LOOK AT ME! This reflection. Examine my marks, my wounds. Mother, who? Your son? A prostitute? This body. These marks. This skin. This filthy, soiled skin.  No longer of my body.  No longer mine, but his. HIS! HIS BODY! NOT MINE! Mother! Kill me! KILL ME NOW! I am already dead! I am dirty, vile! You never gave birth to me! Look! DIRTY ME! AGAIN AND AGAIN! I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! I will disown myself for your happiness! Mother! Look at me! You never gave birth to such a vile child! Disown me! Mother! This body. No longer of mine. But his. His.."_ **

He doesn't know the voice, that he could not recognize. This was not the voice of his own mind. 

_"I love you, Gakushuu."_

Those words  pierced through the silence of the bathroom, the clutter in his head. The boy slid from the bathroom walls, the nausea reaching his throat. He was sinking all alone, in a black ocean. Between the dark waters of his mind it came. Came to him, the fact, that his body was no longer his. 

_“I love you, Gakushuu.”_

And he threw up his entire stomach.


	5. Chapter 5

_Sunlight is a warm, subtle, unchanging  blessing for the inhabitants of Earth._

It was a simple day, in those simple days he once had simple thoughts and simple contemplations. A summer of cicadas, a simple family, and a simple way of living youth. There were sunflowers, dibbed in the shade of monochrome. It was not yellow as he remembered. Ah, there was his father, like usual, his hands holding his on the way back home. A simple walk back home.

“I can’t teach you forever, Gakushuu.”

The boy looked at him in confusion.

“But you always teach me all kinds of things, dad.”

The gust of the wind seemed to cut the horizon’s falling shade of red and yellow. The flowers were still an unnoticeable grey. Those springy sunflowers.

“That’s not true..” The man narrowed his eyebrows, the grip tightened.

“Why not?”

“Well no matter how far someone carries you, always remember one thing.”

Those violet eyes looked at the man, his facial expression but a faint memory.

“I only show you the door. You are the one who will walk through it.”

The sentence didn’t made much sense to him that time.

“ If I have to give you something, Gakushuu—“

Awake. His eyes open, greeted the gentle sunlight, caressing his skin. It wasn’t the painful sleep he thought it would be, but as he wiped his face, he was surprised to discover a trickling moist.

Tears?

He didn’t really remember clearly, what was in his dreams. But he felt something was dicontinued, in a way his hands wiped off the trickling moist. Something was missing.

“Who is gone?”

It was not the missing piece he needed. Because whatever is missing, or whoever is missing now, would not get to him. And tears were dried, as subtle melancholy seeped through the morning.

“If I have to give you something, Gakushu-- “

He held his breath.

“--it would be the strength to carry on.”

It trickled down again. His morning is blessed once again, for it was the message he needed. Like it used to, his father was the first person in his mind in the very morning. No more of the certain reprobrate, that terrorized him like the other mornings of his recent misery. And now far, far away from the weekend in which he had to spent his time with that man again. The morning sun glistened on the moist on his cheeks.

It was the Monday that he needed.

 

* * *

 

The summer was steadily approaching, the sound of the wilderness resounded through the grass field of the old school. The wooden walls kept cool even in the heat, two boys perking through the window, their view of  lettuce garden and a forestry that stretches furthermore.

“Ren, what do you think of gays..?” the question was sudden, piercing through the sound of cicadas in the lettuce garden. The friend looked at the boy like he grew another head.

“Are you confessing to me…???” the other friend gave a look of horror.

“OW!!” Gakushuu drove his elbow to his friend’s stomach, causing him to nearly topple over.

 “Why would I even want to, with a moron like you.” to his exasperation.

“That was sudden, ouch.” His friend held his hurting stomach. “ I don’t know much, Gakushuu. But I think they don’t really love boys, gay people I mean. Some may be queer like drag or just well… Playing around.” His friend’s eyes stared to the distance. The other boy narrowed his eyebrows at the answer.

“What’s wrong?” his friend caught the troubled expression.

“Don’t you think those kind of people are disgusting..?”

Ren blinked twice. “You mean gay people?”

Gakushuu shook his head.  The images of that man surfaced through his mind and it made him shudder.

“No, I… I despise people who play around like that.”

“Ah I see… “ the friend mumbled. “Who doesn’t..?” Ren nodded, finding Gakushuu staring back at him.

“Hey, hey , I hit on girls but I don’t play around that way.” His friend defended himself.

“Yeah, I know that, you hypocrite.” The roan haired boy scoffed. The two laughed together.

“Hey, Gakushuu.” the laughter dissipated. His friend’s expression changed and it went silent between the two. The boy felt something bad is coming his way.

“What?” the suspense is killing him.

“I’m quitting school this summer.”

The boy looked at his friend in great disbelief. And it fell to his ears like a crashing shock.

“Why…?” the boy’s eyes widened.

“I don’t like going to school.” His friend looked into the distance, tweaked a smile. A bitter expression.

“But where are you going..?”

“I don’t know yet.”

It didn’t made any sense to him, at all.

“But you have a lot of friends and you are popular…  Even your grades are excellent..?”

Those black orbs turned blank as he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“I just… Don’t want to go to school anymore.”

Gakushuu thought he wasn’t serious, and Ren never let him knew why.

The two boys parted ways and went home, both withrew in silence. His friend was the closest he had, yet Gakushuu felt betrayed at his friend’s sudden conservative manner. It was very unusual of him, contrary to his open cheerfulness. But no matter how much he probed into him, he wouldn’t answer.

Why wouldn’t he answer..?

“Gakushuu, dinner.” a voice called from outside the room.

“Yes, mom.”

Meals hadn’t been pleasant for him. Because the more he was swelled in his thought, every bite grew bitter for him. And the fact that he had to his his expression, made it all the more unpleasant.  And so, why did his friend wanted to leave school? Even the cauliflower looked like it was mocking him, to the boy anyways. Every chew is bland, somehow.

“Before summer, I will spend time with Reuben in England.”

The boy stilled, his expression was too true to be hyperbolic.

“What’s wrong, Gakushuu..?” the woman picked his apprehension.

“No, I’m just happy for you.” There was a genuine smile in his face.

 “If you say so then.”

He had to smile for himself.

“When are you going?”

The next day of school was something completely different, the halls are filled with gossip, the hustle bustle in the air was evident. Something happened and apparently, someone did something horrendous. The boy walked through the halls, friendly greeted as usual. Settling in class was no different either, but the students were talking more and more.

Ren didn’t come in.

He was not the type of boy to be involved in the types of gossips or petty slanders, but something was greatly bothering him. An unsettling feeling, seeped by his chest.

“Hey Asano, you’re good friends with Ren, right?” a classmate tapped his shoulder.

“Yes..?” this bewildered him.

“Is it true that Ren is meeting out with Mrs. Sanada..?”

Gakushuu nearly fell out his chair.

“What kind of absurd rumors are you talking about…??” his voice was rather loud, shocked the other person. His brow narrowed, not liking the direction of the conversation.

“Well, I see him with Mrs. Sanada after school.” One girl voiced her thoughts.

“Don’t jump into conclusions.” Gakushuu snarled. “It’s not good to talk about other people.”

“Well, I see them hanging around the gym last week.”

The boy shook his head to the rumors. “Why don’t you just ask him yourself, then?”

The classmates simply shook their head, making the boy even more pissed.

“It’s not a wonder since it’s that Ren, after all.” the girl noted.

“Isn’t he a huge playboy? Man, Sanada got some knockers too!” the other said.

“Don’t be stupid. I don’t think he’s into older women, last time I checked.” Gakushuu muttered, feeling that his friend was accused in a way. Realtionship with teachers is a somewhat taboo matter, after all.

“Whatever you say Asano-kun, but I really saw him with Ms. Sanada!!” the girl blurted.

And so the gossiping continued in the classroom. It is to be expected that the person in conversation is the ever popular casanova, Sakakibara Ren. It was not surprising If he did score an older women, be it his excellent grades, poetic string of words, his marvellous phisique, not to mention his natural charisma.

“I had to ask him later.” The boy thought to himself. Though he is a lady killer, the boy wasn’t the type to jump into conclusions.

The approaching summer is the very time, approaching, slithering through his skin --excitement. It was the youth he missed, that was drained from the terror, but for now; the man was gone. It was great for a surprise,  that the man had swooped his mother for a surprise vacation, how short the notice was, was even more desirable. Just today the man was finally gone! The boy closed his eyes as he walked to patches of drying grass. “He’s gone.” He muttered.

Not for good, but the summer was enough of temporary ease.  He was up to the bridge until he heard splashes from below. To his surprise, his best friend was there amidst the pool of water.

“Gakushuu!!!” his friend waved happily.

“Did you skip school..?” the boy asked him in bewilderement.

The best friend responded with an unregretful yep, made the boy shook his head in unison.

“Join me!” Ren waved his hands. The boy looked at him with doubt and slight disaproval.

“Come one! It’s gonna be summer!” the other did a flip in the water, his hair swaying back and forth as he did. Gakushuu heaved a sigh, his eyes unto the horizon of the ever hot, merciless sun. Perhaps, he needed cooling. Off went his clothes and he jumped daringly from the river, plunging into the body of water underneath.

“Awesome!!” the other friend cheered at his bravery.

The boy‘s leg swayed freely in the body of water, his entire body submerged in the cooling, clear water of the lake. Washing away his perspiration, it was indeed a great decision.

“Hey Gakushuu, do you want to swim further?” Ren called his name up the lake.

“Wait for me, Ren!” the boy went and swam farther.

The cooling water, washed away the worries, the guilt, and the heat of the creeping summer.

“Ah…” the boy sighed in relief as he swam, taking his time. This was how life is supposed to be sated, he thought. Ah, how he felt that his youth had yet to fleet away from himself. And those playful splashes, as limbs crash through, swimming through the body of water.  The boy felt happy.

“Hey, Ren, I won.” his voice was a playful smug.

“There  wasn’t any competition!” his friend splashed water to that arrogant smirk.

“Stop it!” it was all but a playful frolick.

And fooling around with a close friend is more of what he can ask for. As he traveled back and forth, home, round about town, and as much as everywhere If he wanted to. Freedom. As his back stayed afloat water, his sight covered by the entire skyline, overflooding with light. The running sound of water in his ears and the calm, creaking sound of nature.

“Thank you for being my friend.” Ren suddenly said.

It was a very sudden statement, caught him dumbfounded.

“Yeah, you too.” He naturally answered.

He decided that maybe some affair with some Mrs. Sanada wasn’t his business in the first place.

 

* * *

 

The boy once again laid at his bed, savoring the start of summer. Of everything, how disgusting that man smiled at him as he waved goobye. How goodbye was enough tainted by just the notion of the man saying it, but good. But at least he was gone and the night was for him. The boy curled under his sheets, grasping his shoulders. He remembered his mother’s smile and that was enough. He was gonna be left alone at summer, away from the predator.

“I hate him.” he whispered in the darkness. And he remembered his hands, his touch, his essence. The boy knew that his nights would longer be peaceful, he closed both his ears, longing for silence. And he never thought he could find it, not in the nigh of this summer. He hoped to forget it, sooner or later.

“I will never go to England.” the boy gripped his sheets.

And suddenly, he remembered a face,his best friend. It wasn’t the fact that he did something, instead it was what he saw. A few months ago, Gakushuu recalled a memory in the gym room.

“Why was Ren with Mrs.Sanada in the gym room?” it was a question he wanted to ask his best friend.  That he recalled them having a very loud converstaion he overheard, the sound of tumbling, and Ren came out with swelling tears, much much later. A fight? The boy shook his head, thinking he shouldn’t pry into the business too much.

“But why…?” the question bothered him still.

 

* * *

 

The next day of school was almost the same, but the whispers have gotten more vicious. The boy tried to convince himself that it was none of his business, until he noticed one same thing.

Ren didn’t come to school.

Neither did he came the rest of the entire week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Sorry I always took so long for this! I redo this chapter three times because of certain plot changes. I have around three fics and an askblog to manage, it’s a load to do haha. But I always finish what I start. Following me at fanfiction/ao3 would do If you want quick notices. This story is really hard because I actually do pay attention on what a normal teenager would do in his situation.. I feel sad when I type this, like it grew conscience to kill me haha. This part will focus a bit on Ren, his dynamics with his best friend, before he meets Karma. If you visit me at ask-gakushuu, feel free to converse assclass with me. Or just type in the comments below, my friend ^ ^
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for all the kind reviews and waits, i am very overjoyed.


	6. Chapter 6

A peaceful house by the rural countryside, a small cabin barely visible among the vista, hidden between trees. The sounds of cicadas accompanied by the pouring waters of the creek, a forest of lush greens that would’ve sounded eerie by dusk. The sound of knocking seemingly echoed, the door continuously barraged with persistent fists. Fortunately for the roan haired visitor at its door, it was evening. The sun is setting in more celerity than he would get his answer.

“Ren?”

His fists started to grew numb from all the banging. A call with no reply, causing the boy grew disgruntled at this. “Ren?” ---still no answer. His friend has disappeared exactly three weeks from school, no notice, nothing. Ren lived all alone, to the fact that his only parent was a travelling man. “REN..!” The boy continued his attempt, but to no avail. This was already his fifth visit, but none of them had succeeded. And the shades of the creeping dark are starting to pervade the scenery, much more swiftly than before.

BANG.BANG.BANG. His fists started to go sore but it seemed futile.  The house seemed uninhabited, but his bike is still parked beside the house.

“REN!!” his voice was starting to grow hoarse. His friend has disappeared exactly three weeks from school, no notice, nothing. Ren lived all alone, considering his only parent was a travelling man. “REN..!!!” The boy continued his attempt, but to no avail. He pressed his ears to the wooden door and heard the sound of running water inside. It was definitely flowing from a tap.

“Ren..?” He deliberately slammed his fists repeatedly, the shadows seemed to crept the way his panic did. The pouring sound was unceasing from inside. “REN!!!” He slammed two of his fists and slid. Heaving his breath, he went recumbent to the doormat. Crept his fingers and peeked below the door; a generous gap underneath. He could see a glimpse of blurred brown until a layer of water permeated from underneath; a puddle suddenly crept at his peeking eye. “What the…” he rubbed his eye and rose. His entire body froze in consternation when he felt water pooling under his knees. His eyes dilated to the daunting realization that the house was flooding ---from the inside.

“REN!!” His two fists banged unrelentingly, then he crashed his sides unto the door with no avail. One crash to another, but the mahogany door would not surrender by his sheer force. “REN!!! PLEASE ANSWER!!!” he cried out like a Stentor, sides crashing again and again. He took a few steps back and furiously scanned the door.  “The hinge.”

“REN!!!”

So he took a different course of force, slammed his entire body unto the most tenuous side of the door. Five continuous attempts and the hinges finally gave in, the door swung violently to the inside. In succession, Gakushuu crashed onto a thin surface of water. He stood and shook his head from the impact, only to be even more shaken to see the entire living room in a flood. The bathroom door was wide open, the light from inside indicated that the room was in use. “REN!!” he scrambled from his knees and dashed to the bathroom. And at the scene stopped at his steps, his eyes widened in shock.

His friend Ren was sitting motionless in the filled bathtub.

“Ren…?” the word dropped from his mouth as his fingers trembled, his right hand cupping his quivering lip. Step by step to a bleak reality, where the closer he came to his friend ---the bluer his skin seemed. His hands loomed over the lid and closed the water pouring to the tub. And the penetrating silence seemed to choke at him.

“Ren..? Please answer me..?” his voice shook as he took the other’s wrist. His friend’s fingertips shriveled from the prolonged soaking, his entire limb was cold, and his face sunken. “Please.” his voice trembled. And he felt tears at the edges of his lids, ready to fall. Why was his friend soaking wet, fully clothes in the bathtub? Was it a suicide attempt? His mind blurted the utmost worst possibilities that he shook his head violently against. “Ren..? Please..?” he shook the cold body.

“REN!!” he shook the motionless body back and forth. “PLEASE, WAKE UP!!” his voice rose higher and higher. “Please…” he dropped to his knees. “Please…”

A movement.

“Ren..?” he saw it; a heaving motion on his chest. His eyes focused to make sure he wasn’t lying to himself, but indeed, his friend was still breathing. _Ren is breathing. He’s alive._

In the brink of hope he took his entire strength, struggled heavily as he tugged Ren out from the tub, to his horror, the water felt freezing cold.  “You’re gonna make it Ren..!!” he uttered as his smaller build tried to lift his other from the water. His minds switched between hypothermia, suicide, and the critical time pressing at him. A hefty lift and Ren landed with a thud on the ceramic floor and he dragged the already cold body from the water.

“You’re going to fucking make it…!!!” he said as he dashed for the phone. The numbers seemed to dash by his fingers, the anxiety building by every beeping. “Please…” he muttered in desperation. His violet eyes went back and forth between the dial and his friend, making sure that his chest is still moving up and down. Every beeping sound from the device was unnerving, then the phone was picked.

“Emergency, may I help you?”

And never had he been so concise with his wording, for his entire life, that particular day.

 

* * *

 

The smell of antibiotics, once again familiar scent of death in the air. The ER room was as disconcerted as ever, the flurry and the panic he could hear from the inside, but the one in worry was made to wait outside. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen and it made his entire body shiver in fear. “Please.. Make it..” he folded his arms, quivering in his seat. His brow wrinkled as he rubbed it again and again, his fringes of roan already dishelved from his frustration. “Please.. Please..” his whispers, his frequent prayers as his fists clenched. After the hours that felt like years, the nurse finally called him.

“Asano-kun..?” the once again familiar voice, Doctor Kimura.

He raised his chin so fast that it seemed to snap, his eyes searching for an prognosis. His hands moved up the air in an incomprehensible motion as his eyes dilated. “Is he..?” his voice trembled, his hands were already fastened to the doctor’s coat in desperation. The entire hall stopped at his entire motion, his desperation was abruptly conspicuous to the residents.

“Calm down, my child.” the doctor’s fingers tipped at the strong grip at his coat. “It’s alright…” he comforted the boy and tugged gently at his tensing wrists. The boy took a step back and dropped his grip in confusion, not realizing what had come to him to act so brashly. “Im sorry..” he heaved his breath and looked at the doctor once again, rather apologetically. “Is he alright..?” his eyes was exceptive. “He’s alright Asano-kun. We pumped his stomach, but he suffered from light hypothermia.” the doctor shook his head. The boy looked at the doctor in great horror.

 “What do you mean you pumped his stomach..?” his hands seemingly dropped in languish.

“He swallowed paracetamol.” the fact dawned to him like a strike. “If you hadn’t found him, he would’ve died from the medicine or hypothermia.” then he felt a pat in his shoulder, his eyes were still at the floor that seemingly swirled at his vision.“Why didn’t he tell me..?” his violet eyes seemed to pierce in question, the doctor replied his gaze with an apologetic gesture. “I’m sorry this had to happen to your friend, Asano-kun. But no matter what he just did to himself, you just saved his life.” The doctor clenched his grip on his shoulder and pat his head. “Just go see him for now.” the doctor urged him, which he went up to the room in doubtful steps and a palpating heart. The door opened as if it was a grave revelation, but there he was; alive, well, but unconscious on the hospital bed.

“Ren…” his called the name in great reassurance to himself.

It was like the doctor had said; the raven haired boy was clothed in fresh clothes, laid on the clean linen of the hospital bed with an IV drip, his skin was no longer an eerie blue, his chest puffing up and down. Gakushuu felt his lungs deflate with a relief like no other. “Ren…” his knees weaken as it dropped to the floor beside the bed. His arms laid beside his friend, his head sank on his arms in great relief. “Thank goodness…” his head felt a swirl as he plopped it down, holding his friend’s other hand. The pulse in his wrists further assured him that he was not gone, that he was still with him. In his head, he could not muster the strength to imagine what could’ve happened.

“Gakushuu.”

The boy abruptly looked up, astonished that his friend’s gaze was at him, though his face was sunken and his movements barely. “Ren…” both his hands gripped his friend’s wrist, tightening more and more by hope. “Where am I..?” Ren’s lips quivered as his other hand was lifted to his cheek, his eyes blank in confusion. Gakushuu could sense something was wrong with his reaction. “You’re in the hospital, I found you in your bathtub…” he rubbed his friend’s hand and looked emphatically onto his eyes. And the look on the taller boy’s face was indescribable; a mixture of confusion, horror, and despair.

 “Why..?” the raven haired boy muttered as he averted his gaze. Gakushuu could feel Ren’s fist clenching, his expression twisted painful. And Gakushuu blinked when he saw tears rolling down his cheeks. “Gakushuu, I…” he cupped his brow, hiding his expression. The words seemed to choke at his throat, unable to get out. He could feel the intense gaze from those violet orbs, the grip that grew stronger in his wrists. The expression of hurt in his face was more than Gakushuu could bear witness, for the boy was dying to know what made his best friend so torn.

 “What happened Ren…? Please tell me..” his voice begged with every tug of his fingers.

Ren looked at him as tears rolled down his cheeks more and more. His breathing grew ragged as he silently reclined back to the bed, hands covering his expression. “I’m sorry.. I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” he broke out to louder sobs, unable to control his sorrow. Gakushuu cannot think of why his friend would repeat an apology, when he hadn’t done anything wrong. “Ren, it’s okay.” he gripped the sobbing boy’s wrists tighter and tighter.

“You’re alive and that’s all that matters.” the roan haired boy touched his forehead to the pulse of Ren’s wrist, as if he had connected to his sorrows. Ren sobbed more and more, wallowing in what Gakushuu wouldn’t know, but the way they had exchanged silence was beyond what words could bring them together. The roan haired boy could feel the other’s despair, hopelessness, so identical to his. It was intertwined, those two broken silences of their sorrow.

“Ren, please don’t kill yourself.” he whispered under deep anxiety for his friend. “I would do anything to help you, so please..” he lifted his head, sincere eyes meeting those black orbs. “Please, let me help you..” The words was so genuine that it carved a deep seated guilt in the other’s heart and the more it echoed, the more he reproached the idea of telling his sorrow to the other. The reality that jammed his gullet, the ones he wasn’t able to convey.

“I can’t Gakushuu, you don’t understand.” he pulled his wrists from Gakushuu’s hand, those violet orbs gazed at him in hurt. “You can’t help me.” he said, his tears rolling down as he tried to exert control over himself, but failed. “Because no one would believe me.” he bit his cracked lips and it bled. “Ren, please. What happened..?” those violet orbs penetrated his conscience. The other boy’s expression grew even more disturbed, his eyes grew cloudy, and his jaws clenched in fear.“I..”  his breathing was ragged.

 “I had an affair with Mrs. Sanada…”

His hands were cupped over his mouth, as if the words he would utter was so filthy. And Gakushuu still could not believe his ears, how those idle classroom rumors turned out closer to reality. “What..?” the roan haired boy was  in utter disbelief as his grip tensed. And just by looking at Gakushuu’s expression, Ren felt an irrevocable fear, he thought he had already lost his friend’s sympathy. Like he was plunged in a deep abyss where no one could, or would save him. The fear of prejudice crept up to him. Except that the reality was that Gakushuu felt that something was terribly wrong.

“Is it the guilt that you…?” the words stuttered from Gakushuu, unfinished, his eyes still averted in disbelief. Many scenarios filled his head and he felt betrayed by reality. The raven haired boy shut his eyes, the curvatures of his face seemingly bent to grimace. The expression of his friend was what he had feared off, but he decided not to halt his finishing. “You won’t believe me..” he put his face to his palm and shook his head. Gakushuu just looked at him with hope that he would utter better. “Please, just tell me.” his eyes rather than judgmental, had a luster of altruistic motion. And it reached to the other boy of his good intentions, so that Ren decided he would tell him. The raven haired boy shut his eyes, the curvatures of his face seemingly bent to grimace. His lips parted slowly like a jarring pain to every motion. He would tell him. And only Asano Gakushuu.

“She forced herself on me.” He shook his head in great remorse, clenching his fists. The roan haired boy dropped his grip and was completely stupefied. The fact that he had an affair that was seemingly done in consent, yet she coerced herself on him was a paradox of it's own. Gakushuu's mind seemed to froze momentarily, unable to process the information and it showed in the curve of his brow. "Gakushuu..." Ren muttered to the disgruntled expression of his friend. "And what happened...?" the roan haired boy asked in great caution.

"That's very difficult.." the taller boy replied. Ren felt his eyelids fluttered in bitter denial of reality, unable to free his confession. Those violet orbs gazes intensely at him, as the roan haired boy could already sense that his understanding of the matters at hand was only an inchoate of reality. There was something missing. "But it couldn't be her..." Ren cupped his face as his voice cracked. His tone grew dark and it terrified the other as those black orbs jammed unto those violet eyes.

"--because I was the one who raped her, Gakushuu."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mrs. Sanada is a teacher at Ren and Gakushuu's school. And a cliffhanger conclusion would be; what is the relationship between Mrs.Sanada and Ren? What really happened?


	7. The Morning in Question

 

Time depletes and never answers.There are some notes, there are some silences. There are the things that cannot be put in between.  You know the sins you make aren’t dismissive; they are heavy and lingering, yet as easy to conceal. Because what they thought it would be, could never be, because the sin was never yours to begin with. And if tomorrow was going to be better, what was good when he has no answer?

"Why are you distraught?"

The boy blinked in a state of disorder, unpleasantly woken up to these noises in his head. The boy curled in his bed in frustration, the sun smiling at him so indifferently. As the only thing that remains constant in his life is the sun, the solar ring that rose to remind him that the world would stay bright like this, passing the violet shades of the luminous drapes of burgundy curtains.

Ren. A single name without an answer.  The parched feeling in his throat came to remind him of the dire situation of the night, the conversation in the hospital bed, soon had enveloped him.

“I raped Sanada, Gakushuu.” An incomplete sentence.

And the words was pulled back as quick as a denial of reality. The roan haired boy perused in his thoughts, a haywire of yesterday.

_“I raped her, Gakushuu.” his last sentence before the self proclaimed criminal regressed back to unconsciousness._

_“Ren…? “ he shook his friend in alarm, until the doctor relieved him of his grip._

_“Doctor…. Please..?” his voice a mix of desperation and horror._

_“Go home, Gakushuu. Don’t worry, he’s alright. You can visit him next morning.” the doctor had dismissed him._

Now it’s Monday morning.  Discontinuing further slumber, he slouched to the chair of the empty kitchen. He mused that he was still without laughter, albeit it was peaceful. Somehow, he had grew to hate silence.

“Why is everything so messed up..?” he muttered under his breath and went out his room.

The tiles of the kitchen was growing slightly yellow, displeasing to his eye. Yet, he could not notice that he began to grow remorse to everything unorderly, whatever lacks symmetry, an unnerving tint  unmatched color, or of any surface being soiled. Whatever he would usually dismiss; a spot on the dutchoven, a missing dot on an i, till an unfolded end of a napkin. Opening his eyes would simply expose him to a “state of chaos” that was never there before, while closing his eyes would mean—Reuben. He shut his eyelids at the remembrance of his name, at the opening of his eyes, the man’s image seemed to sit in front of him.

Right in front of him.

“We can be a family.” the image in his mind seemed to say. He was disillusioned, clearly he knew, yet he did not knew it.  The boy cringed at this fictitious statement in disgust, two of his violet orbs reflecting the menace he could not show. He was going crazy, he thought.

“Shuu..?” a mother’s voice.

Like a sweep of the wind, the image of the man was exchanged. His eyes widened as his mother replaced the man that was in front of him, her eyes staring intently, as if searching the very crevices of his soul.

“You don’t love me.”

Her lips formed poison, “Your love is false.”The air suddenly reeks of rotten eggs, causing the boy to froze. He turned his head from the stove, to his mother. Then again, to the stove, then to this mother –the stove was clearly closed.

“It wasn’t the stove.” she said, the illusion said.

He wanted to snap out of it, this hallucination. As his lips tremble, the words fell silent in his tongue. The boy’s widened as the image transformed into him, that man. The boy slumped to his chair, regressing to a childlike posture; his knees to his chest, shaking violently. The man opened his lips to utter more.

“Shut up.” the boy's hands curled up to his head, unable to control this surreptitious anger.

“Don’t provoke me, Reuben.” he stood up abruptly, causing a glass to flew, the shards splattered on the floor below. The boy flinched at a painful step, then stepping back to realize that he was stepping on a glass shard. But the pain was numbing, way faster than it should. He moved his feet against the shard, giving out red tints.

“Odd.” he said to himself.

 Even in solitude, his mind has not ceased to torched him, and reality had crept up just as fast. He slapped himself, then another. The pain simply grew nonexistent.

“Shut up.” he shook his head and slapped himself once more. Something that he has been doing much as of late, hurting himself. “Wake up.” his usual slap back to things of order.

That’s right. “Eat breakfast, you fool.” was only a solemn reminder.

“Eat your damn breakfast.”

And the two figures on the kitchen dissipated with his appetite.

 

\------------------------------------------------------

                                                               

As he walked towards school, the gentle blowing wind and the sound of cicadas immediately soothed him from the irritation of the pre-summer air. The heat was getting into his head,  that he must admit. Despite being half an hour later than usual, his pace was not at all in hurry. He was more consumed in his talk than whatever his limbs were gaiting to. Not school, not being late, just Ren. Then he stopped as his sight fell unto a street sign--

25 minutes to Tokura Hospital.

And just 10 meters  ahead of him was a bus stop. In his thought, he could just skip school and visit Ren. Even the money in his pocket would suffice. There was a lump in his throat that he could not get rid of, but he wanted to very badly. But truly, the boy never skipped school. But no one would know if he did.

“I don’t care.” his feet marched several steps, swifter, faster. The road was empty and no one would know. Because Ren was just so much more than marks on paper.

 

"Ren needs me."

But then, an abrupt stop.

“Asano-kun?” a familiar voice called him and he stopped in his stance altogether. There was a slight flinch in his movement, like a thief caught in action. As he snapped back his neck, so quickly like it would break, his straightened his posture gave a perfect view of who was behind him, he froze.Blood seemed to run from his face, absolutely unsure with his unexpected encounter.

"So you live in this area."

The boy blinked.

“Mrs. Sanada..?”

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

It’s her.

Blood seemed to run from his face, absolutely unsure with his unexpected encounter.

“Mrs. Sanada..?” his voice came out rather unnaturally.

“Isn’t school this way, Asano-kun?”  the clatting sound of her heels slowly risened his apprehension. A blunt, unnerving feeling.

 _Calm_ _down._ It was all the boy could muster in mind, hidden in the fake languish he latched on to.  His eyes slowly betrayed his usual calm demeanor, leaving a rather inquisitive stare. As he held back great distrust and enmity, in mind it was wiser to remain for what was still left unproven.

“That’s right.” the boy’s smile barely reached his eyes. Somehow, the female teacher sensed his discomfort.  

“What’s wrong, Asano?”  the female asked as their distance shortened.

 “Nothing much, Mrs. Sanada. I just thought I would try to find a new shortcut .” he tried to coax the uneasiness, cursing his choice of words internally.

He eyed the teacher head to toe as her eyes were diverted to the direction he described; _she must not have been a resident of this area, judging from the way she navigated rather cluelessly._

 “I wonder if there are any shortcuts here?” the teacher looked back at him.

“Yes, the street in that end of the corner leads to the school.”

“Is that so..? I don’t really live in this area, I guess I wouldn’t know.”  she replied. She tugged the cuffs of her wrists to reveal a female watch with a rather sleek, feminine design.

“But I think it’s a bit late to figure out new shortcuts.” the female smiled back at him, something in her expression that managed to sooth him. Though only temporarily, he snapped back to caution.

“Let’s go, Asano-kun.”

Not venturing into new possibilities, Gakushuu threaded on the usual path to school. As he threw occasional glances, he wondered of the relationship of this woman with his best friend. She was a middle aged woman with a shoulder length cut, her sharply curved eyebrow matching her sleek black hair. Rather modest in clothing, she wore a signature navy blue blouse and an over knee skirt.

“This is such a beautiful sunny day.” she exclaimed cheerfully.

The contours of her face suggested a rather sincere personality rather than a manipulative one, but Reuben was best to remind him that looks can be deceiving.  But without suspicion, she seemed like any housewife with a life of sobriety.

“Is there something wrong…?” the teacher asked, as she felt his glances.

For sure, the woman was definitely Ren’s type --to the boy’s dismay.

“No, I just thought that you seemed undisturbed by the pre-summer heat.” the boy cringed internally from his petty excuses. But when else for such close observation?

“I came from Tokyo, it was much hotter in summer. “ the woman let free a smile. The boy let that sink, the probability that she was more highly educated than what she was credited for.  So why did she move?

“Did you teach in Tokyo?”

“Yes, correct.” she answered, her eyes to the road, smiling.  But there was something odd with the pull of her lips, that he could not help suspect that she was… It was too quick, the change of her expression. 

“It may be rather audacious of me to ask, but why did you move from Tokyo…?” the boy asked in a mask of pure curiosity. The woman lifted her brow, giving a thought. And again, an easily missed millisecond of a displeased nuance flashed in her expression, again.

“I wanted a change of pace.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

 

There was not much he could get from the brief walk, let alone the floating rumors, the chatters going by. School was fleeting with all of his thought cluttered as it revolved around why and then. His eyebrows furrowed as he held his pen in a perpetual spin by centripetal command, as to his confusion; like running in circles. The contorted dismay in his expression was so apparent it got the other classmated worried.

 “Hey, Asano. You okay?” a classmate called.

“Yeah.” it was more of a grunt.

“Did you know where Ren went?”

“Oh..” there was a pause. The boy thought; _Should I..?_

“He got hospitalized.”

“Hospitalized?! Is he okay…?” And concern poured around him.

“Eh, really..?”

“What happened with him..?”

“Yeah..” Asano looked down. The boy was quite at loss for an answer, truly. “--he slipped into his own bathtub.”

“What? Is he an idiot?”

“Is he okay though?”

The boy forced a smile. “Yeah, he’s awake. Just hit his head.”

“Well, I hope he gets better.”

“Maybe we should visit him?”

“Nah.” Gakushuu shook his head.

“He will be discharged very soon, he is up and laughing already.” the boy knew it was over himself, to conclude for Ren that he wanted to be left alone. But he made the decision.

“If you say so. So you visited him?”

“Yeah, he’s doing great.”

 _“How could he tell what really happened?”,_ was all his mind could think of.

* * *

* * *

 

"What really happened?"

Mrs. Sanada, his suicide attempt.

_Ren._

As school ended and the bell rang. His chair seemed to snap as he shoved it aside.

Unaware of the stares of his classmates, the boy ran like possessed as a terrible premonition swept over him.

“GET OUT OF THE WAY..!!” someone screamed from the other lane.

His body passed just inches from a passing car.

“Watch it..!!” as a car honked past him.

His legs defying the traffic, the crowd passing by.

“Ren…!” his mind repeated continuously.

His friend’s face hovering over his mind as the streets passed by. Everything seemed like a slow blur, the destination further and further. Defying all lanes, fences, and gates.

Tokura Hospital.

A flight of stairs. A hall full of people, then reaching dead end.

 Room 103.

“Ren—“

His eyes widened, welcomed by an empty bed. And the door swung from behind him. A nurse looked at him in an unreadable expression.

“Are you his friend?”

“What happened to the patient of this room, nurse?”

The nurse looked away. “I'm afraid—“

A doctor stepped inside the room.

“Dr.Kimura, what happened to Ren?” the boy’s voice slightly trembled.

“Did he…” the boy didn’t want to finish his sentence.

“No.” The doctor seemed to be at loss at what to say.

“He escaped from the hospital.”

“!!!”

“This afternoon he disappeared without a trace. I have notified the local police. He should be found soon.”

“What if he tried to kill himself!!” his voice shook.

“Asano, it’s better if you let the police search for him—“

And the boy was already out of sight.

“Asano..” the doctor shook his head. The man stared at the empty bed in remorse. His pity for the tragic friendship.

“You already had enough burden with Aki…”

 

* * *

* * *

 

Hours seemed to past by in his futile attempt. As the sun sets and the crowds scattered back to their homes. The endless questioning and corner checking. Soon the moon had risen to the sky with the sound of insects. What was left of the city was non-existent night life.

“Where did you go… ”

The wind blowed a rigid cold through his thin uniform, made his teeth chattered.  Leaving just him and the dim street lights.

“Why..?” Gakushuu was breathless, both hand rested heavily on his knees as he stood wobbly.  It seemed that only the howling wind can answer him.

“Hey boy.”  A flashlight seemed to blind him.

“What are you doing in in the two in the morning?” a sound of a man called him from behind. It was a police officer.

The boy shook his head. “Officer, my friend went missing.”

“What is his name..?” the officer turned off his flashlight.

“Sakakibara, Ren..”  his voice had weakened considerably.

“You his friend? We have been searching for him the entire day. I think it is best that you go home before something happens to you, kid.” the officer walked to him. “Your mother would be worried.”

“No one is home.” the boy shook his head.

“Then let me take you home.”

Gakushuu shook his head.

“It won’t do If something bad happens to you.”

“My friend is—“

“No, you will go home now.” the officer’s voice assertive.

Gakushuu nodded compliantly and went home with the officer’s car. And the view so unaccustomed to him; the lonely night that shone blue under the moon, leaving no traces of where his friend has left many questions unanswered.

“Ren..” his lips spelled as he stared at the full moon.

“Where did you go?”

* * *

* * *

 

3 AM.

There was no sleep for the wicked, he thought it was deserving. If this was retribution for what he did, it shouldn't be Ren.

The boy opened the news, the folded papers unfinished from last morning, the headlines shocking as usual, and terribly unrelated as always. The tea in his hand felt warm, the aroma halting the sniffles from his cold.

“Where did you go, Ren?”

His attention fell to the clock that points three past five. The phone rang.

“Who could that be in such an ungodly hour?” the boy got up his chair and picked the line.

“Asano speaking.”

There was a slight pause in the line.

"It’s been a long time, Gakushuu."

The boy froze.

“Reuben..?” his voice panic-stricken.

“There’s no need to sound so terrified, Gakushuu..” the man chuckled slightly.

“I need to tell you something.”

“What is it..?” the boy gripped the telephone cable in distress.

“…” Silence left the spaces of seconds.

”I want to apologize.”

 

* * *

* * *

 

Meanwhile, the next morning of school.

“Does anyone know where Asano went?” the teacher called the students.

"..."

No one knows.

.

.

.

“Ren…”

All there was left to the day was fatigue, his entirety spent on searching and calling. An hour in bed and the rest on the flight for Ren. But like yesterday,the evening already fell and yet it yielded nothing.

“What does Reuben mean…” he murmured as he walked in trepid limbs. “Why is everything so messed up…”

He opened the door of his home as he sighed in defeat.

“Huh?”

The lights are on.

"Welcome home, Gakushuu."

The boy froze, he had forgotten that today; they would be home.

“Mom..” There was such thing as a pleasant gap in his continous worry.

“I miss you, Gakushuu.” she went and walked towards him.

“Hi mom, I missed you too.” He was greeted by his mother’s embrace; dressed lavishly in fur. Gakushuu closed his eyes as long as the short embrace held, giving him temporary peace.

How disappointed he was when she let go.

“How’s school, Gakushuu?”

“It’s alright..” The boy tried to hide the lethargy in his voice.

“You have dark circles! Didn’t you sleep last night?” his mother cupped his cheeks.

 “Just had a lot of homework.” his voice was raspy.

"Make sure you sleep well, okay?"

The boy nodded.

"Sweetheart, I made some tea." a voice came out from the kitchen that made him two shades paler.

“You’re home, Gakushuu.” the man smiled in a way that seemed ghastly to the boy.

“Hello, Reuben…” the boy’s brows knotted in dismay.

"I have wonderful news for you." The man walked to his mother, looked at her affectionately as he took his hand.  
"You've heard before, but the plans are finally final." The couple looked at each other smiling, then at him.

  
"We're getting married in England next week."

The sky seemed to crash down at him, between gladness and horror, between fading hope and deep regrets. 

The ultimatum was already laid.

"I'm... happy for both of you." his voice came out in pieces.

 _At least with him she will be happy,_  he thought.

_Will she?_

“I am so happy.” his mother said as she lifted the ring with her engagement ring.

“Let’s discuss some things over dinner.”

His mother settled the plate on the table as they all sat. The boy tried to avoid eye contact with the man as much as possible, though he sensed his sharp glances at him. The man clasped his hands together. Meanwhile the boy is still holding in the shock.

"I want you to see our wedding.”

England. Why would he want to go to England with this bastard, is what the boy could think of. _Although this is mother’s wedding._

“I wish i could, but i think I’ll stay.” he curled a weak smile.  
“Why so?” Reuben lifted his brow.

“Exam weeks and events are up so I'm going to be busy.”

“Gakushuu…” the woman’s voice was quite downcast.

“It will be great If you could come, your soon to be brother will be there too.”  his mother’s eyes were hard to bear as always.

“It will be nice but I have other obligations such as student council.” he rejected heavily. Gakushuu looked at the man for a sign of rejection, instead it was a smile.

“Ah i see that's alright." the man replied.

 _What?_ Gakushuu didn’t expect Reuben to agree with him. Not this easily.

“But dear…” his mother softly protested.

“I think Gakushuu knows best, dear.  You told me that you are the student council president. You have obligations to do, isn’t it right..?”

Gakushuu was taken aback at the statement, that the man actually supported his reason. 

“Yes..” _There must be an ulterior motive_ , he thought.

“That’s right.” the woman blinked in realization.

“We actually do have a more important to discuss.”

 _Good news is almost never one these days,_ he thought. He thought that the more things that came out,  the worse it gets.

“Actually…” she looked at Reuben, as if gesturing to him to tell.  
“Gakushuu, Aki and I both have plans to live in England.”

 _England_. His heart seemed to sank a few crevices.

“This is too sudden.” his face grew pale.  
“Reuben have business to take care of in there and actually, I really hope to bring you with us.”

_Bring me there?_

“Me...? To England..?” the confusion in his voice apparent.  
“Yes.” Reuben answered.  
“That's insane....!!”

There was silence from the boy's adverse reaction, his mother was especially appalled.

“Gakushuu, I know it’s sudden.” the woman’s face was downcast.  
“No I’m sorry. It’s just too sudden, I-“ the boy felt like he wanted to vomit.

"I know you have friends here, but i want you to think about it." the woman wanted Gakushuu to consider.

_How can I think about living with a man like him?!!_

"It's okay mom, i think i can stay here..." the boy hoped there was a way out of this.  
"Alone? But who will take care of you..?" she shook her head.  
"I'm old enough, i can take care of myself." this time his voice was stern.  
"But I heard from Aki that you've always wanted to go to go to university in England, this might as well be a great chance."

  
The boy gritted his teeth. _This man. How could he abuse the fact that I--_

"Nevertheless Gakushuu, i think you should think of it for your future and your mother's sake."

 _My sake? For whose sake is it for exactly, Reuben?_ The boy felt more and more disgusted.

"It's alright, Aki. He just needs more time to think about it." the man held his mother's hand.

"After all." the man smiled at Gakushuu.

"You know what is best for you."

Their eyes met, manipulation and suspicion.

The boy could only hope that the man meant his word.

_Did Reuben really meant his apology?_

Or this marriage will be the death of him.

And everything he had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karma will soon make an appearance, as some have guessed --he is Gakushuu's soon to be step-brother. In this story, Nagisa is a she and she will be Karma's main love interest. However, the story still revolves around the dark family relationship of the two step brothers.
> 
> On the other hand, I am so happy that some of the readers know the original manga. Hagio Moto puts a lot of research on her work esp. on domestic abuse victims, bonus fact; the work this fic was based on actually won the Tezuka Cultural Award. The baseline is from there, but it will be very different from the original.
> 
> Thanks for following! And reviews If there are some plot holes or stuff you would like to suggest.


	10. Chapter 10

 

 

He should be bursting in wrath by now. The boy shook his head as he changed his clothes, contemplating on the notions of having that man for a stepfather. Him? As a stepfather? On England, a continent away –only a continent away. But if only it was not that man, any man would d, any man but him. He tucked his shirt back and sighed; his lack of a repulsive reaction, a worrisome matter. What does spending a long summer away from him gave?

"Gakushuu." his voice, a faint call behind his back.

A lack of caution.

His pupils dilated and his body froze, he knew with every breath whose voice it belongs to, how unable he was to explain this chilling fear. And he turned his head to find the man right at his doorstep.  Spending this summer alone gave him the habit of keeping the door open. A terrible habit with him around.

"Ho- How long have you stayed there...?" he could feel his piercing stare.

The boy felt powerless; his body froze in the most uniform manner every time the man showed up --no different from a Pavlov's dog. And he could not turn his back to face him.

"I just came here." the man entered the room and sat on the bed.

“Maybe for a little talk.”

 _LIAR._ the boy thought. To suspect every word, every action, everything about the man with extra discretion, and remain with extra caution. And the man had probably stared at him, fondly –for god knows how long.

"I missed you Gakushuu.” his voice made him shudder.

“--maybe I should bring you around to Glasgow, you might like it there."

He turned his back as he quickly slipped into his garment, avoiding overreaction at his own end.  The boy let out an uneasy laugh and came to the realization that spending too many days at the house alone have had his senses dulled.

“I don’t want to.." he replied, his back still facing the man.

“Is that so..? I’m still giving you a lot of time to think about it.”

The boy thought the man was different, the way he acted and how the kitchen was more quiet than usual. And it hit him. “Reuben… “ he asked very slowly and carefully.

“Where is mom..?”

He could hear the man chuckle lightly.

“She went to off to buy something.”

Blank violet orbs and the boy felt his energy drain swiftly. No matter how hard he tried to conceal it, he could already felt that the man sensed his apparition.

“Gakushuu—” he could hear the man’s sole, a single step behind his back.

"Reuben, dont get closer." his words were a near whisper.

“Reuben..” the footsteps stopped right behind him.

“Reube—“

"DON'T—" the boy shouted and the palm that nearly touched him withdrawed.

If only he could see the man’s expression, but he was too much in fear to see the look on his face. Is he crossed? Is he excited? He does not know.

"What’s the matter, Gakushuu?"

He was pretty much backed up against the wall, his every breath inching closer. How could he stop himself from trembling? And little did the boy know of the man’s sinister expression.

“Why are you shaking…?” he asked in a tone so sympathetic, real.

Gakushuu swallowed hard. His palm on his shoulders.

"I DON-!" he slapped his wrists.

"I DON'T WANT THIS..!!" and pulled his shoulders away brusquely.

The man stopped and withdrew his hands once again, but the boy still felt terribly suffocated.

“I’m not going to do anything to you, Gakushuu.”

A few paces and Gakushuu heard the door close behind him. As quick as lightning he turned his head to find that the man really had left him alone. The boy trembled slightly before curling into a ball in the corner of the bed, knees folded. 

So the man knew just how little he needed to do to press his buttons.

 

* * *

 

It was Reuben, the man inside his dreams and his sleep.

Tying him up to the bedpost, beating his back with his cane. Those tiny nips up his jugular, a muffled orifice. Where he had no power to shout or scream.

“Are you asleep?”

His eyes snapped open, unadjusted to the dark, and panic drowned him. He could feel a hand on his forehead and he slapped it aside, never feeling more scared or awake.

“DON’T TOUCH ME–.”

“Shuu?” and he was startled instead by the voice of a woman.

Those violet eyes stared with such apparition at the figure, when he had looked more closely was his mother, who was just as equally startled.

“What’s wrong..? You look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“Oh…” the boy was in some sort of daze before he smiled at his mother.

“I’m sorry, it’s probably because I surprised you.” his mother said apologetically.

“No, it’s alright… I just don’t feel so good.” he reasoned, looking away.

“Fever…?” his mother touched his forehead again. “You’ve been twisting and turning in your sheets after I heard you scream in the middle of the night.”

“I did…?” he asked back in confusion.

“Did you have a bad dream..? Your forehead is unusually warm.” she looked in concern. Gakushuu looked at his bedroom door.

“Mom, where’s Reuben..?”

The woman gave him a quizzical look.

“Oh, he’s still sleeping. What’s the matter?”she asked.

“Nothing, I just thought I could’ve woke him up.” his speech started to slur.

His mother smiled and caressed him gently.

 

 “Just go to sleep, I will compress your fever…”          

 

_Me..? Am I taking her place..?_

_The sacrifice for her happiness.. I.._

_Can I live like this..?_

_Father... I wish you're here--_

_..._

_.._

_._

“Gakushuu, are you mumbling something..?”

 

_What did she actually do…_

_Why did you leave, Ren..?_

_Is she the same as he is…_

_That monster…_

 

And his mind started to drift.

 

_Because I too.._

_I want to run away too.._

 

“Mom…”                                                                                                                                            

“Yes dear..?”

“Please company me, tonight.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The story was loosely based on A Cruel God Reigns by Hagio Moto. (she's awesome, go read her stuff)


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